You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
