I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
