her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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