How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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