i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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