My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
