what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
