i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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