i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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