I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
