Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
