I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
