first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize