I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I could make wine with my vomit
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
