You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
