Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
