i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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