"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
