i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
