My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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