All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We are all done wearing pants today
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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