Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
