a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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