please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
