If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
