I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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