yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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