if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
