so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Randomize
