I wish my penis had an off switch
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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