i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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