I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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