broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
