I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
