Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
