3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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