Kiss
Puke
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize