Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
