does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
