Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
