the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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