he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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