woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
