you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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