if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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