Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
