so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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