Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
