my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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