my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
