lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
