I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if only i could text you this smell
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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