He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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