After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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