when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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