Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
