My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
