12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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