btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
