The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
