I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
