Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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