worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
