While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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