hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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